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12. dubna 2015 v 10:32 | Margie |  my mind
Proč pořád a pořád dokola, opakujeme ty samé chyby ? V jednu chvíli přísaháme sami sobě, že už nikdy víc nedovolíme aby se něco podobného stalo a v druhou chvíli se prodíráme zase tou samou špínou. Stojíme znovu na začátku trati, čelíme těm samým překážkám a přichází stejné pocity. Jako běhat v začarovaném kruhu. Tisíckrát sem sobě slíbila, že už nikdy v životě nechci nic cítit. Prostě vůbec nic. Nepouštět k sobě nikoho blíž jak na ty stereotipní fráze: ,,Ahoj" a ,,Jak se máš ?" Taky sem si slíbla, že už nebudu věřit lidem. Vždycky sem v lidech viděla to nejlepší a bila se za právo toho, že se každej může změnit. Ani ho*no. Lidi se prostě nemění. Jejich biologická podstata je zakódovaná hluboko v žilách a je jedno, jako moc se snažíte věřit tomu, že ten člověk je lepší, nikdy takovej nebude. Nezměníte ho. Je ztráta času věřit v to, že v každym z nás je něco dobrýho. Co dobrýho zbylo ve mně ? Odpovíte si sami. Nezáleží na tom, jak moc si přejete opak, jak moc doufáte v to, že ten člověk je lepší než se doopravdy zdá, vždycky to skončí stejně. Naučila jsem se od lidí očekávat to nejhorší. Říkala sem si, že už mě nemůže nic překvapit. Dokud sem nepřišla na to, že očekávat to nejhorší, někdy znamená získat to nejlepší. K čemu mi bylo vidět lidi s růžovejma brejlema na očích ? Vidět v nich ty světlý, pozitivní stránky a snažit se je vydolovat a upřednostnit před tim ostatním ? Výsledkem bylo jediné. Zklamání. Světlé stránky postupem času ustupovaly a ustupovaly až nezbylo nic. Dostali jsme se k lidské podstatě. Viděla jsem jen to, co jsem měla vidět celou dobu a začalo mě to ubíjet. Děsilo mě to. Mlžný opar představ a falešných snů o osobě vyprchal a z mlh vystoupil člověk. Znáte ten citát od Oscara Wilda ? "Reálný život člověka je často život, který jsme nikdy nevedli." A já začínam přemýšlet jestli to náhodou není úplně naopak. V poslední době se děje něco, čemu sama nemůžu uvěřit. Dokázala sem zničit svoje představy o ideálech a začala v lidech vidět pravdu. Tu horší stránku. A všechno to, co mi jen vzdáleně připomínalo dobro, jsem zatlačila do pozadí. Nikdo nemůže být dobrý. Už ne pro mě. Dokázala jsem pochopit, že je lepší od nikoho nic nečekat. Tak nějak se spolehnout sama na sebe. Snažila jsem se tím izolovat se od těch pocitů, který sem už nikdy nechtěla mít. A pořád ani nechci. Po vší tý době, už z nich mám jenom strach. Svoji horší stránku vám lidé ukážou snadno a rychle a mě nikdy nenapadlo, že stejně tak vám mohou ukázat tu stranu lepší. Nevěřila sem, že někdo může změnit moje přesvědčení o tom nejhorším v nás. Ale stalo se. A já si to nedovedu vysvětlit. Pocity zklamání ze zjištění, že je někdo jiný a horší než se zdálo, byli pro mě téměř rituální a ačkoliv to bolelo, zvykla sem si na ně. A když jsem se jim chtěla vyhnout, přišlo něco nového. Pocit překvapení a úžasu. A já teď nevím co s tím. Je to pro mě jedna velká neznámá ale snad jen přemýšlím, že to chvílema bolí ještě víc. Navíc tomu nevěřím. Ani za nic. Protože vím, že když tomu uvěřím, zase se zklamu. A budu zpátky tam kde sem byla. Na druhou stranu tomu věřit chcim, protože ať už nic, bylo to něco úžasného. Ty chvíle byly okouzlující a plné něčeho, pro co mi schází slova. Ale teď s odstupem času vím že nemám naději. Nebo jí možná nechci mít. Vážně asi začínám být paranoidní. Ale možná je to lepší. Jenom teď nevím co dělat. Sem zmatená, vystrašená a zároveň...

If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted
And thinking about the past again
Darling you'll be okay

She said,
"If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore
I'll draw the shades and close the door
Everything's not alright and I would rather..."

And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound
And as we own this night
I'll put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
Tell me where did it go?

Tak jo, děkuji za pozornost, opět a znovu tu máte něco nemálo šíleného z mojí hlavy. Asi se z toho potřebuju jenom vypsat a ujistit se, že sem se ještě úplně nezbláznila, očemž poslední dobou dost často pochybuju :D Dpufám, že se na mě nezlobíte za neaktivitu, ale ta škola mi ničí život ! :D To je každou chvíli něco, test sem test tam, asi si všichni teprve teď uvědomili, že jedna známka z předmětu na uzavření klasifikace opravdu nestačí. Pokusím se to všechno zvládnout a co nejdříve ( když bůh dá tak o víkendu) dodat LILYA. Mohlo by to projít, když už máme to ředitelské volno :33 Tak doufám že mi odpoustíte a že si po mém úvodním článku nemyslíte, že sem se zcvokla :D


Jinak jen tak mimo soutěž, slyšel jste někdo nové album Sleeping With Sirens ? :3 Já ho teď poslouchám pořád dokola a strašně se mi líbí a strašně ho žeru. Takže pokud jste tuhle úžasnou věc, kterou SWS zvou MADNESS ještě neslyšeli, go ahead ! Vřele doporučuju. Hodně mě to oslovilo a nějakým záhadným způsobem popisuji pocity minulé, setrvávající a možná i budoucí. WIEEERD :3 A tady malá ochutnávka ;)
Maybe I'm better off dead
If I was would it finally be enough
To shut out all those voices in my head?
Maybe I'm better off dead
Better off dead!
Did you hear a word
Hear a word I said?
This is not where I belong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone


To je ve finále asi všechno. Možná že teď náhlednu na věci jinak a možná budu jen víc zmatená. Tak jako tak se cítím dost divně a ještě horší je, že tomu neorzumím. Já sem prostě nepoučitelná :3 No nic, jdu udělat referát na němčinu a plakat nad chemii, tak se tu miláčkové moji mějte krásně, mějte se mnou trpělivost a pochopení a dejte mi vědět jak se máte vy :3 Jste moji andělé strážní. STAY STRONG <3

 

Buď první, kdo ohodnotí tento článek.

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